


Our ghosts and dreams

by Kamikama



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Heavy Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Second Chances
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-22 19:47:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30043812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamikama/pseuds/Kamikama
Summary: After the events in Banana Fish, Ash and Eiji start a relationship together. After years of unresolved issues and making mistakes, they decide to split up. Now that they are both trying to move on, fate will push them together once again.ORSad feelings. Lots of them.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 10
Kudos: 53





	1. Lovers to strangers

The wind outside was howling stronger this afternoon. Eiji held his cup of coffee with both hands, hoping the warmth of its content to reach his arms and chest somehow. 

It was cold. It had been cold for some time now. 

He stood up from the chair at the kitchen table and walked over to the window. His brown eyes had lost some of their shine and youth, and some almost invisible lines were starting to settle under them. And well, seven years do not pass unnoticed. 

It had been almost exactly seven years since the day he had taken that flight to Japan. Seven years since he got that dreadful call from Max. Seven years since he had left his home in Izumo and had taken the first flight back to New York. 

Ash was stabbed, but he had survived. 

The memories of the following months used to flood Eiji’s mind at night. It had been a vortex of emotions, his heart and soul put to their limits every single day at the hospital. When Ash had finally woken up, his body started shaking in a mixture of pain, guilt, happiness, and relief. 

They did not spend a day apart for the following month, a nd to be honest, everybody expected it. The decision to go back to their old apartment and live together came naturally to both of them. It just felt right. 

Their first kiss took Eiji by surprise, but he found himself kissing him back. It was around three in the morning, Eiji still remembers, and they had stayed up watching a movie about chess or something. The room was dark, but he could still outline Ash’s profile just before the blond turned around and kissed him. It had felt like the final stop of a long and unspoken sentence between them. 

Eiji’s lips curved into a sad smile as he remembered his own inexperienced reaction. He sighed. 

That kiss was the first of many in a five-year relationship with Ash. The first year had been… intense, to say the least. Not much changed between them, except for the long make-out sessions they used to have. What they felt for each other was palpable in the air at all times. Their friends in New York also knew about their relationship, and needless to say, they were not shocked at all. Everybody knew they belonged to one another long before that kiss. 

Eiji put his coat on and put a scarf around his neck. He grabbed his bag and a suitcase with all his shooting equipment and left for work. The empty sound of his apartment before closing the door echoed in his ears all the way until he got to the station. He looked around and adjusted his glasses over the bridge of his nose. There was an old lady slowly walking to a bench, a mother holding a little boy from his hand, and a young couple talking too loud for that time in the morning. They were probably fighting. 

Right. 

After all these years, Eiji still cannot pinpoint the exact time when they started to fight. 

That’s not right. 

They didn’t really fight. It was more like a subtle but consistent wearing out of everyday life. Or if he could phrase it better, a piling of old stuff that neither of them knew how to address.  It was the uncertainty of how to move on. It was how guilt had been eating them up silently over the years. It was Ash’s reluctance to seek help, and Eiji’s denial of his own depression. They had buried themselves so deep into Banana Fish, Golozine and Foxx, that once they had reached freedom they couldn’t look at each other’s face openly anymore. Not after processing what each of them had done.

Eiji shook his head. 

It was too early in the morning to allow those thoughts to enter his mind. They had broken up two years ago and he hadn’t seen each other in a year. Exactly a year, if he admits he’s counting. Maybe that’s why he woke up with nostalgic memories of green eyes and long strands of blond hair. 

He tried to keep his head busy with anything else on his way to work. He took his phone and scrolled through some pictures of a guy about his age. He had blue eyes and… well, yeah, blond hair.

David. 

He had met the guy in an electronic store. Apparently, David had seen Eiji’s photography equipment and had asked him for advice on a camera for his little niece. After talking for a while, David had invited Eiji for a coffee, and against all Eiji’s own expectations, he found himself accepting the invitation. 

David was a nice guy. What could Eiji say about him? He only knew him for a month but they had met up after Eiji’s work a couple of times. He was respectful, attentive, and helped Eiji distract himself from his own mind. Despite all his good qualities, it had shocked Eiji how straightforward he had been last week when he told him he liked him. There was no tension, no pent-up emotions, no surprises.  But wasn’t that exactly what Eiji needed in his life? Someone who spoke clearly what they wanted, and provided him with peace of mind. 

This last thought had made him nod in affirmation and shoot him a polite smile. He didn’t decline. That’s why they were meeting up today. 

Time at the office went by quite quickly. He had an extra busy day running up and down the stairs to get all the pictures for next month’s issue of the magazine he and Ibe were working for. Ibe, who had been amazingly understanding after making him go through… several stuff in New York, had started treating him a bit more his age now. After all, Eiji was 26 and his long hair and glasses eclipsed the youthful and innocent look he once had. 

“Are you done with your work, Eiji?” Ibe asked. 

“Yeah, I’ll just file these papers and I’ll head out” he said with a tired but satisfied sigh.

“Would you like to go for a coffee? We had a long day…”

“Uh, maybe tomorrow” he said with an apologetic smile “I have plans for today”

“Oh?” Ibe raised an eyebrow “as in a date?”

“Maybe...”

Ibe just smiled and waved goodbye as he left the office first. Eiji finished his task and left his equipment inside a locker. The suitcase was quite heavy and he didn’t want to carry it around the whole afternoon. He put on his scarf and gloves and headed out.  David was already waiting for him outside the building. He was wearing a brown linen jacket and jeans. 

“Ah, have you been waiting here for long?” Eiji asked as he approached him. 

“I just arrived” he smiled “You look great by the way” he added, taking a step closer. 

“Ah, really? I’m tired, I had a very long day” Eiji said with a sheepish smile. He still didn’t know how to react to these comments. 

“You must be hungry then. Wanna go eat something? Hot dogs? Pizza?”

Eiji’s memory wavered. 

“Pizza sounds great” 

“Let’s go then” 

They arrived at the pizza place in no time. Eiji’s stomach was growling by then and he needed food right away. They ate and talked amiably. David told him about his day in the hospital and Eiji subtly changed the topic as soon as he could. David was a doctor, he understood there were a million things going on in his work life, but Eiji still had sour memories of hospitals to this day. 

“Did you take some great pictures today?” he asked him as he finished his last slice of pizza. 

“Not really, it was mostly paperwork and talking to clients and models”

“Models?”

“Yes, we’re preparing to shoot some pictures for a new makeup brand” 

“Lot’s of pretty people then. You could be part of the campaign” he said with a smile. 

Eiji giggled and lowered his gaze. “I don’t know what you mean by pretty people...” he avoided the comment “...but the campaign actually focuses on diversity, so we have models from all backgrounds”

“Huh…” David nodded. 

“Anyways… I’m full” he declared, cleaning his fingers with a napkin. 

“Me too. Are you ready to go? I was hoping you had enough energy to see a movie tonight” 

“A movie? Right now?” Eiji opened his eyes in surprise. 

“Yeah, but I get it if you’re too tired, I can drive you home”

Eiji thought about his apartment. The silence that would meet him scared him a bit. 

“It’s fine, I can go. Let’s go see a movie” he agreed with a pinch of guilt inside his chest.    
  


The movie was kind of hard to follow for Eiji. There were a lot of political themes Eiji was not familiar with, but David tried to explain through the movie. Eiji was not sure if David had gotten so close to whisper because they were in the cinema, or just as a very clever excuse. Either way, he was able to understand most of the movie, and at least he could say he had seen it now. 

“Did you like the movie?” David asked once they were outside. It was already completely dark and the wind kept blowing cold against Eiji’s face. 

“I think it was interesting… I think I can say I understand a bit more of politics now” he conceded. 

They started walking next to each other towards the parking lot, and suddenly David held his hand. 

“Is this okay?” he asked. 

Eiji’s swallowed hard. There was something moving inside his gut, but he nodded. 

“Yeah, it’s okay” he said softly without meeting his gaze. 

They continued walking another block and Eiji tried redirecting his thoughts.  David was a good person. He was a doctor, he helped people, he had a dog, he was emotionally stable, and he was safe. He had a great smile and tried his best to win Eiji’s heart. Eiji knew this. He desperately wanted to feel something intense towards the man holding his hand, but he found himself... immobile. He was not even grabbing his hand back so tightly.  He sighed and grabbed his hand more firmly. He needed time. The only thing he needed was time. 

David turned around surprised to see Eiji smiling up at him, and he smiled back. 

The next moments happened so quickly that Eiji barely registered the physical feelings of it. A cold and dirty hand covered his mouth and his back was slammed against something hard. When he opened his eyes, he found himself in a dark alley, the silhouette of a young man smaller than him holding a gun to his head, and another large man holding a knife against David’s throat. 

“The wallet!!” the kid shouted. 

Eji blinked twice trying to process the fact they were being mugged. 

“The wallet!” the kid shouted again, this time unlocking the safety clamp of the gun.

“You too, hurry up!” the other man insisted. 

Eiji could see David trembling. He was mumbling words as he desperately searched for his wallet inside his pockets without success. He was sweating with cold fear with that knife pressed against his throat, he could tell.  Eiji remained calm, and the more he realized this, the more he hated himself for it. He reached for his wallet inside his right pocket, exactly where he remembered he had put it and handed it to the young thief. 

He turned around to see David in the dark, still trying to explain he couldn’t find his money, when suddenly, a voice was heard in the alley. 

“HOLY SHIT JEFF…” a man with pink braided hair shouted behind them, his hands in his head in surprise. “You better leave him alone… now” 

And Eiji couldn’t believe it. Bones. 

“What?!” the kid shouted back, visibly confused. 

The lights of a car suddenly blinded Eiji for a moment. He heard doors opening and closing but he couldn't distinguish anybody. 

“Oh fuck…” he heard the large man holding the knife against David’s neck mutter. He lowered the knife and looked at Eiji with eyes wide in shock. If it wasn’t for the same worn-out overalls he was wearing Eiji wouldn’t have recognized Kong. 

The man who had gotten out of the car walked over to them almost with a scared expression on his face. It was almost comical to see Alex like that. 

“Jeff… put the gun down” Alex said slowly. “Let him go”

The kid blinked at Alex and slowly lowered his gun. “Who’s this guy?” 

Alex offered his hand to help Eiji stand up and looked at the guy still trembling against the wall. It was a poor sight.

“You gotta go” Alex whispered hurriedly, shifting his gaze back to Eiji. 

Eiji’s mind had just started reacting. The familiarity of those faces transported him to the days when guns, bullets, and knives were carelessly on the countertops and tables of their hideout. The days when he had learned to shoot a gun. He was glad to see them, and his heart clenched when he looked at Bones biting his lower lip, fighting the urge to pull him into a hug. 

As these thoughts were beginning to sink in, he heard someone get out of the car and walk over to where they were. Eiji’s heart stop when he recognized the voice speaking behind them. 

“What is it, Alex? Did you find the kid?” 

Ash Lynx. 

Eiji’s eyes went wide. It hurt to see him. He could spot a flash of shock in those green eyes when he recognized him, but Ash had immediately concealed it. Ash was looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face, and everybody around them seemed to look away and remain completely quiet. 

Ash held his gaze, and then looked around to see a blond guy curled up in a ball protecting his head against the wall. Ash lowered his head.

“Take ‘em” he whispered in an almost inaudible voice, but it was enough for everybody to start moving. 

“No! Please! Where are you taking us?!” David screamed in panic. 

“David, it’s oka-” Eiji tried to calm his friend down, but Alex’s quick hit on the neck to the blond left David unconscious.

They put David in the car with Jeff, Alex and Ash, and they sent Eiji with Bones and Kong in another car parked a block away. Eiji got in the car in silence, willingly, knowing that he could tell his old friends to leave him alone or even drop him by his apartment anytime. But he knew David was scared, just like that first day someone had held a knife centimeters away from his face. 

“Hey, Eiji… long time no see” Bones tried to talk. 

“It’s nice to see you guys. It’s been a while” Eiji said with a sad smile. 

“I’m sorry for… well, that…” Kongs apologized scratching his neck. “I swear I didn't recognize you... Jeff is new in the gang and he’s still learning some of our rules.” 

“And what’s the rule now? Don’t mug people in dark alleys?” Eiji half-laughed. 

Bones and Kong exchanged a look. 

“Let’s say Jeff doesn’t know who you are, Eiji” Bones answered. 

Eiji looked at the streets and old buildings. It had been ages since he had been on the side of town.

“Who am I, Bones?” Eiji asked distractedly. perfectly knowing the answer. “Am I known as Ash Lynx’s ex-boyfriend? His crazy ex or something?” 

“Eiji…” Bones shook his head and furrowed his brows “You know we’re closer than that. You’re our friend. To all of us…” 

They drove in silence until they got to their hideout. Eiji spotted the market where he used to buy vegetables to cook the guys a decent meal. They went up the stairs of the abandoned building and Eiji was met with several hugs and handshakes from the gang members who recognized him. He looked around, but Ash was nowhere to be seen. He didn't know if he felt sad or relieved for that. 

“Boss is next door” Alex informed him. “We got here first. Your friend is still unconscious resting on the best bed we could find… Sorry about that” 

“Thanks, Alex” Eiji nodded. “It’s good to see you” 

“Come here, Eiji” the other replied as he pulled him into a friendly hug.

Just then, the door from one of the rooms opened and Jeff came out, his face completely hidden in the hoodie he was wearing. He shot a glance at Eiji and then ran away. Behind him, Ash rested in the door frame and his eyes darted to Eiji. He turned around, leaving the door open, and once again Eiji found himself responding to unspoken words between them. 

When Eiji closed the door behind him, the sight of Ash against the window shook the pieces of his heart he had been trying to glue together for two years, or even longer. Against the moonlight, he could see all the little changes in Ash. His haircut was the same, although some strands of his hair needed a trim. Had he grown taller? Apparently, he was still a fan of red converse and white shirts, but his jeans were not ripped anymore. His frame was a bit bigger now, he had gained more muscle, but he still had that lean build in his body. His thin lips, those Eiji had kissed insatiably for hours a few years ago, were now tightly closed. Above everything, his eyes retained the same jade color to them, but were looking at him somehow differently. It pained Eiji to remember the warmth they once held. 

“Still getting mugged and kidnapped, huh?” Ash finally broke the silence. 

Eiji swallowed. “Some things don’t change” 

“We know a lot about that…” Ash agreed as he nodded. 

Silence. 

“Your hair is longer” Ash observed. “Looks nice” he added casually.

“Thanks” 

Silence. 

Eiji walked over to the window and looked outside. The streets were empty, and not a sound was heard. 

“So you’re taking applications to become a gang member now?” he joked. 

Ash exhaled tiredly. “Not really. We found the kid some weeks ago completely drugged in an abandoned building”

“That’s terrible…” Eiji commented, trying not to react to the word “drug” and everything it meant to them.. 

Ash only shrugged as an answer. 

Eiji remained in silence. He noticed Ash had turned his head to look outside as well. 

“How did we come to this, Ash?” Eiji whispered, still looking through the window. 

A sour smile formed on Ash’s lips. “That would be a pretty long answer, don’t you think?” 

Eiji turned to see him. Ash hadn’t changed one bit. Not at least when it came to talking about important stuff. What had started as a playful and cheeky way to avoid uncomfortable conversations during their first years together, had gradually turned into a major problem for both of them. Ash refused to communicate, and soon Eiji began to do the same. The worst possible combination. 

“Same old Ash Lynx, huh?”

“Same, but not old. I’m still 24. But that’s actually a good answer for your question” Ash conceded,

“What do you mean?” Eiji asked confused. 

“How we came to this: Ash Lynx” the other responded with a bitter smile. 

“Blaming yourself again? Old habits die hard” 

“Wasn’t that the whole reason? I could never fully give up this life” 

“You know damn well that was not it” Eiji said, a bit of anger showing in his tone of voice. 

“You’re right. There were a million more reasons” 

Eiji huffed tiredly and recognized the same feeling he had the day they broke up. 

“Ash…” he tried. 

“You sounded so tired that day…” Ash interrupted him. He was apparently thinking of the same day “I couldn’t bear it anymore. You were so fed up that you didn’t even have the energy to break up with me, so I did it for you” 

His words hurt life knives, partly because it was half-true. That day Eiji didn’t fight, or raise his voice, or sounded surprised at all. He had just nodded and watched Ash pack a suitcase to leave the apartment. He didn’t have the will to take any decisions on his own. He didn’t have the strength to keep fighting, he hated himself for that until this day. 

“You say it like it was easy for me… like I wanted it to happen” 

“Of course not” Ash shook his head. He turned around and sat on a wooden chair nearby. “I know it wasn’t, but I think it was the best after all” 

_ “Please stop… please, I don’t want to hear you say those words…”  _ he thought.  “So you have moved on” Eiji said instead. 

“You have” Ash said raising his eyebrows and tilting his head. “He seems like a good guy” 

“We’re not-”

“You don’t have anything to explain to me, Eiji” Ash interrupted. His tone was not harsh, and Eiji could swear the words were more a petition than an order. “You can tell David we stole your money and then released you two. He doesn’t need to know about your… connection with me or the guys” 

“Very kind for a mafia boss” 

“I’m just another punk in the city” he feigned a smile. Eiji could tell.

“How did you know his name by the way?” Eiji suddenly said, genuinely curious. 

“I took a look inside his wallet. He had it inside his left pocket the whole time. Kong told me he almost pissed himself when he couldn’t find it” he laughed half-heartedly. 

“Well, being mugged can be pretty scary for the average citizen I guess”

“So you’re not in that category anymore? The average citizen?” 

“Do I need to remind you of all the stuff I went through? All the stuff  _ we _ went through?” 

A pause. 

“No, you don’t...” Ash cleared his throat. “Well, you two should get going. I’ll tell Alex to drive you to your apartment. Is this guy living with you? Actually, you don’t have to tell-”

“For FUCKS SAKE, ASH” Eiji barked, causing Ash to meet his gaze immediately, his full attention on Eiji. “It’s always the same with you!!”

“I didn’t mean to-”

“You never listen to me!! You never did!! Even when I’m right in front of you telling you something, you never believed me. You always chose to believe something else or assume stuff on your own… It’s like you never really trusted me” 

It was Ash’s turn to flinch at those words, his expression hurt. 

“I never trusted you, huh? Like the time you lied to me on our trip to Izumo when we visited your family?” he retorted. 

“Not that again…” Eiji covered his eyes with the back of his hand.

Ash was curling his fists on the table, clearly struggling to keep his composure. “Why didn’t you tell me how your family truly reacted when they knew about us, huh? Was it because you trusted me so much?” he stood up, making a screeching noise with the chair “You told me everything was fine when I met them and I believed you. If I had only understood Japanese I would’ve known how they rejected you. You spent years without talking to them and I never knew!”

“I was trying to protect you! You had enough shit to deal with already!” he tried to reason, but Ash shook his head.

“Well, I was doing the same thing when I hid stuff from you”

“Ash, you kept coming back with blood on your shirt!! It’s different!!” 

Ash let a sour laugh echo in the almost empty room. 

“Well… here we are again… why are we fighting at all? It doesn’t matter anymore”

“It doesn’t?” Eiji countered. 

Silence. 

“I wish you the best of luck with David, Eiji. Alex will drive you to wherever you need to” he said as he approached the door and turned the knob. “I hope you don’t have to see me very soon” 

When the door closed behind him, Eiji felt the tears start flooding his eyes and blurring his vision. He took off his glasses and pressed the heel of his hands hard against them, trying to contain everything inside, but he knew from experience that was not the smartest thing to do. They were still so young when they had met, he and Ash. Eiji was trying to physically and psychologically overcome his injury which had destroyed his pole vaulting career. On top of that, his father’s health condition was delicate, and his mother and grandmother had high expectations for his life. 

He had felt like an absolute failure after his injury, but Ibe’s idea of coming to New York seemed exciting after all. When he met Ash, his world was flipped upside down. He saw himself trapped in newly discovered feelings which made him feel more alive than ever. Ash had taught him so much in such a short time, that he was sure he would never see life through the same lens again. He knew realities he didn’t know existed, he knew what having true friends was like, what loyalty was capable of, but above everything, he experienced love in its most pure form. The intensity of his love for Ash was unmeasurable. At some point, when he had to hold a gun and shoot it, he felt unstoppable. There was absolutely nothing in this world he wouldn’t do for Ash. But once they were finally safe, he simply couldn’t stop the thoughts invading his mind. He dreamt about Shorter almost daily. He could feel his beating heart stopping on top of him, the blood staining his shirt. He still saw little Skip whenever he saw a child play in the street. He could see Jeniffer’s lost and dead eyes staring back at him. It was all his fault. Even when his mother told him he was sick for the type of relationship he had, he believed it was his fault. 

But he never told Ash. He had to be strong for Ash, show him they could be okay. After a couple of years, he realized the symptoms he had from his depression were becoming worse, but it was too late. Eiji became withdrawn and lost his usual spark in his eyes. Ash noticed it and blamed himself for it. It was one of the main reasons for him to let him go. 

There was a soft knock on the door. 

“Eiji?” 

“Hey, Alex” Eiji tried to smile. “I’ll be ready in a minute”

“Sorry to bother you… uh… I don’t know what to say” he almost whispered as he entered the room and closed the door behind them. 

“It’s okay… there’s nothing you have to say” he said, wiping his eyes and readjusting his glasses in place. 

“Fuck, Eiji… I just… I don’t understand how…”

“Me neither, Alex, me neither…”

\-------------------------------------------------

Four hours later, Eiji rested on his bed with his eyes closed. He had to wait until David woke up on a bench near Central Park. He was terrified, but significantly calmed down after checking they were both okay. He insisted on denouncing what happened to the police, and Eiji couldn’t help but laugh a little when Charlie picked up the phone. Eiji took the phone and explained the situation in a tone that would make it clear for Charlie that Ash was involved. Charlie pretended to register their case and hung up the phone, promising to check on him later. 

Now that he was alone, he allowed his mind to remember this 24-year old Ash Lynx, painfully beautiful as always. He smiled allowing a tear to leave his eye when he noticed how Ash still became awfully calm when he was lying. 

  
  


\----------

“Max?” he was calling from a public telephone. 

_ “Ash? Is that you?”  _

“Hey Max…” 

_ “I feel like I haven’t heard your voice in forever… Is everything okay? Are you hurt?”  _ the voice asked concerned on the other side of the line. 

Silence. 

_ “Ash?” _

“I saw Eiji today…” Ash confessed in a small voice. 

There was a pause, and then Max sighed.  _ “Come home, son. We can talk about it” _

“Max…” his voice was strained, fighting the urge to sob over the phone. 

_ “Come home, Ash” _

And Ash hung up the phone, sliding against the booth. It had been months since the last time he had cried, and he felt stupid for doing so after so long. He looked at the moon still up in the sky, and he started walking through the cold streets of New York. Max would surely wait for him until he came. 


	2. Strangers to...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm adding another chapter since this will be longer than I expected! I hope you enjoy it!   
> Also, comments are always appreciated! ^^

Ash was hurled up on his bed. He had had his own room in Max’s house since the day he left their apartment, but had barely used it. Today, however, he needed the feeling of something warmer than his dirty hideout. 

“Drink this” Max told him as he handed him a cup of tea. 

“Thanks…” me muttered and he took a sip. 

“Was it that bad?” Max asked cautiously. 

Max knew Ash had hit rock bottom after his breakup with Eiji. He was glad Eiji never got to see him during those months. Ash became too thin, dangerously so. There were days when he wouldn’t see Ash at all, and the blond would come back covered in dirt and blood. He ate, showered, and usually disappeared again. He tried to talk to him, but Ash ignored him. He ran away from everyone and everything. To this day, Max still didn’t know what he was up to during that time, but he was glad it was over after some months. He slowly started to gain weight again, started to train and lead the gang. Max couldn’t say he was happy for Ash to go back to his old delinquent life, but it was something. Ash had purpose again. 

After that, he stopped hearing from Ash for about six whole months, so when he heard his voice over the phone, his stomach flipped inside. Whatever it was they talked about this time, he would be there to support him. 

“How did you move on?” Ash asked him instead. “When Jessica left you, you lost Michael’s custody and you were in jail… how did you keep going?”

Max thought for a moment. His answer would greatly determine how Ash would face his future. 

“I guess… I always knew I had faced something worse before, back in Iraq… so whatever it was, I only had to live one day at a time” he finally said. 

Ash looked at the mug between his hands. 

“One day at a time, huh?” he repeated. “I’ve been thinking the same way since I left the apartment”

“You’ve been strong Ash…”

“I haven’t… I had no idea what I was doing the day I left. I came back a week later only to find the apartment empty. Eiji left two days after we broke up…”

“It must have been tough to be there, Ash” Max tried to reason “The place holds too many memories for both of you…”

“And that’s why I couldn’t go back either…” he agreed. 

A silence stretched between them and Max tested his luck asking again. 

“How did you meet him today?”

Ash snorted. “One of my boys tried to mug him… We arrived just in time before he hurt him” he paused and then added in a more bitter tone “...or the guy he was with”

Max nodded understanding. So that’s what this was about. 

“You were jealous” it was not a question, and he knew he was pushing his luck now. 

Ash took another sip of his tea. “I don’t know, I’ve never been jealous before” he admitted. “I was not happy, that’s for sure, but I guess it’s a good thing Eiji was able to move on”

“Did he tell you so?”

Ash remained quiet. 

“There’s no need to tell me. It’s obvious” 

“We’ve talked about this before, Ash. I know it’s hard for you to trust, but I really think you and Eiji should meet and talk openly about this”

“That’s a terrible idea” he declared, killing his tea. “I just want to stop hurting him” 

Max sighed and looked at Ash with compassion, but not pity. Never pity. 

“You still love him” 

“You know damn well he’s the only person I have ever loved” he said holding Max’s gaze, as if it was the only truth in the world that mattered. “That’s why I need to set him free” 

“You know what? I’m sick of all that bullshit of “if you really love it let it go” kind of crap” he said with a sudden annoyance “If you love something, then work for it” 

“We tried for five years Max”

“Fuck that, you were both too young and were dealing with far too much... “

“Are you really trying to give me hope after two years?” he almost laughed. 

Max placed a hand on Ash’s back. After so many years, he still looked so young at times. 

“I really think you should try and talk to him, Ash” 

After a moment, he stood up and left Ash alone in his room. He was glad Ash came to him, but he knew he should give him his own space too. 

Ash pulled the blanket over his body. He closed his eyes and he recalled a time when he would wake up with a blanket on top of him after falling asleep on the couch. He never knew any type of love other than Griffin’s, and that ended up too soon when he left for war. After years of pain and violence, he had finally been blessed with Eiji in his life. 

Eiji…

He still couldn’t believe that night when Eiji responded to the kiss. He had risked it all in that kiss. If Eiji didn’t feel the same way, they would be apart forever, and he didn’t think he could survive that. To his luck, they spent hours kissing on that sofa, holding each other tightly, laughing, and whispering innocent promises to each other. He was allowed to enter heaven after living in hell all his life. Eiji was heaven. He had been for a long time. 

Ash shifted his position and curled up in a ball, trying to make himself smaller. 

Eiji was his personal heaven, but soon he realized he kept bringing demons to their own paradise. There was always someone after Ash Lynx, someone trying to hurt his loved ones. He took care of many of those people after some months in their relationship. Of course, he never told Eiji. He only needed to finish the job and then live happily ever after. However, there was always another revenge after a killing, another challenge, another punk that wanted to lead downtown. Soon, Blanca’s words started to echo inside his head louder and louder. 

_“He doesn’t exist for your salvation”_

And Ash could see it was true. How could he ever get over the fact he killed his best friend? How could he ever seek redemption? The more he thought about it, the more he believed he was stealing precious years from Eiji’s life. His undying love for him would never make up for all the things he could never offer him. 

After some years, the feelings of guilt and self-hatred became stronger. Eiji was always the one to try and talk about whatever was going on, but he always dodged his questions. He felt so incredibly ashamed to admit his selfish actions, that he could never look at Eiji’s eyes during those moments. Eiji needed him to change, and he knew he couldn’t.

And so he saw Eiji wither in life, like a dried out plant that refuses to fade in the ground. It made him feel sick, what he had done to him. Self-sacrificing once again, he broke up with him. He opened the door of his cage and let him fly away. 

Ash felt tears burning his eyes again, but he tried deep breaths to keep them at bay. He could do this. Eiji was finally starting over, and that’s exactly what he wanted. He just needed to stay away a bit longer.

He repeated himself those words like a mantra as he drifted off to sleep. 

\----------------------

_“Are you sure your family is gonna like me?” Ash asked, adjusting the cap over his head._

_They had just arrived in Izumo a few minutes ago and they were currently on the bus on the way to Eiji’s home._

_“Of course! I know you still don’t understand the language, but I can serve as a translator for you” Eiji assured him._

_Ash doubted but nodded in response “So, is your mom very progressive?”_

_“What do you mean by that?”_

_“Do you think she’ll accept our relationship?” Ash raised an eyebrow._

_“Well, I’m her son after all. It may be a bit of a shock at first, but I think she’ll understand. It’s not like I brought people home very often, so she’ll be surprised.”_

_“Awww… does that mean that I’m your first boyfriend?” Ash teased him as he rested his head on his shoulder._

_Eiji flushed and rolled his eyes. “Of course you are! You were my first kiss too!”_

_“And your second… and your third…” Ash added, leaving little kisses on his cheek, giggling with how flustered Eiji was, looking around for curious eyes. “...and I hope to be your last”_

_Eiji opened his eyes wide with this last comment. He stared at those eyes looking back at him with supreme love._

_“I want to be your last too” he answered, almost a whisper._

_Ash smiled, sincerely and carefree._

_“Then I really need to make a good first impression in front of your family”._

  
  


Eiji woke up to the sound of his alarm. He covered his eyes, blocking the sun from outside the window. He wished he could do the same with his memories. He didn’t know how he could still remember the scene so vividly in his mind.

He stood up and took a shower. The water helped, but it was definitely not enough to clear up his head. 

He made breakfast. He still struggled with how much flour was enough to make one serving of pancakes, but he slowly learned, like he had learned many things in the last two years. He ate his pancakes and headed for work. It had been two days since the episode in the alley, and David had called yesterday to double-check he was okay. He thought the thugs could’ve followed him and hurt him. 

He had also invited Eiji for dinner in a fancier place tonight. He thought seafood would be nice for Eiji given his japanese diet and preferences. Eiji didn’t have the heart to decline his invitation, not after the terrifying experience he had gone through partly because of him. 

When Eiji finished his shift, he went outside and David was waiting for him. Inside his car. 

“You okay?” Eiji asked him. 

“Oh! Eiji, yes… it’s just… I’m being more careful this time. Do you want to get going?” 

“Sure” 

And Eiji got in the car. They drove near the waterfront and Eiji smiled politely listening to David’s comments on the city and other places they should visit. It was calm. The drive on his car was uneventful… and a bit long. David parked his car. This time, he made sure it was an open space with great lighting. Once they were inside, Eiji took off his coat and looked at the menu. David sat in front of him with an everlasting smile on his lips. Eiji noted how he had dressed specially well today. He looked… very neat. He suddenly felt a bit self-conscious of his own mundane outfit. 

“If I had known the place was this fancy, I would’ve dressed a bit better” he apologized after they had both ordered fish and oysters. 

“You look great, Eiji” David said, reaching his hand across the table. 

Eiji nodded, fidgeted with his fingers, and then stood up. 

“I’ll use the bathroom” he excused himself. 

He entered the bathroom and splashed some cold water on his face. He could do this. He needed time, he reminded himself. 

Suddenly, a strong scent of tobacco invaded his nostrils and he noticed people talking and laughing outside the bathroom. Their voices came through the narrow window that was high in the wall. 

_“Rest assured… after today… of whole New York...”_ he heard the muffled voice say. 

Eiji came closer to the window and tried to cancel the noise coming from inside the restaurant. 

_“So is it official then? Is Ash Lynx dead?”_

Eiji’s heart stopped and his blood drained from his body. 

_“Well, not yet. But at this very moment, my boys are waiting for him and his gang at the Harbour”_

_“That punk… God knows what he did with Golozine’s money after he killed him”_

_“The money will be ours in less than an hour. Now we should go inside. Once they start investigating, we’ll need an alibi. A restaurant is the perfect place with plenty of witnesses”_

The smell of tobacco faded and Eiji was left trembling against the wall. He pulled out his phone and looked through his contacts. He remembered he had deleted Ash’s number a year ago, but he still remembered it by heart. He dialed it with shaky fingers and waited for Ash to pick up, but he didn’t. He tried the same with Bones, Kong and Alex, but none of them seemed to get incoming calls. He started sweating. 

Charlie. 

Charlie would know what to do. He dialed his number and waited walking restlessly from left to right.

 _“Hello?”_ he finally responded. 

“Charlie thank God-”

_“Oh Eiji! I meant to call you the other day but-”_

“It doesn’t matter, Charlie, listen to me. Something’s gonna happen near the Harbour in an hour. Someone’s trying to kill Ash again” 

_“W-what?”_ he asked confused.

“PLEASE Charlie, will you go?” 

_“I’m on my way, Eiji”_ he said as he ended the call. 

Eiji breathed just with the slightest relief leaving his body. Ash would get help. Ash was going to be okay. He had been during those two years apart. He tried a deep breath again. 

He came back to his table with David and tried to discreetly look around to identify the people on the tables. The place was crowded, so it was impossible for Eiji to tell who the bastards were. 

“Is everything okay?” David asked him. 

“Yes” he feigned a smile “my mother just called and I had to answer” he lied. 

“Oh good. Sit down and dig in. This fish is delicious” David said as he poured white wine for Eiji. 

Eiji tried to stay in the present, tried to follow whatever nonsense David was talking about, but he couldn’t. The only thought that invaded his mind was the fact that Ash could die any minute now while he was holding a glass of wine in his hand. 

What the hell was he doing?

He stood up and closed his eyes, his hands firm on the table. 

“David, I’m sorry” he said, looking for the most appropriate words to say this. “I need to go” 

“Eiji? What is it?” David asked completely puzzled. 

“There’s someone who needs me right now” he said, slightly bowing, his Japanese manners kicking in. 

“Is your family okay?” he asked worried, standing up too, ready to leave the restaurant. 

“There’s someone I still love” he blurted out. He didn’t have time for this, but the guy deserved better. “You’re a great guy, and I’m sure you’ll find someone. It’s just… I know I will never be able to…”

David seemed to slowly acknowledge what was going on and slowly nodded. 

“Oh wow…I feel… kind of a fool right now” he said, trying to retain as much dignity as possible “I didn’t even get to kiss you, didn’t I?” he scratched his neck smiling sheepishly but visibly embarrassed. “I should’ve make a move earlier”

“No, I’ll remember you as someone good and respectful this way” Eiji said with an apologetic smile. 

David huffed. “Well then… It was nice to meet you Eiji Okumura. Thanks for being honest before I fell for you even more” 

“Thank you for everything David” Eiji bowed again, and left the restaurant almost tripping over the people in the other tables. 

  
  


He was close to the Harbour, even closer than Charlie. He was once again running like he was about to pole vault a huge wall, testing the limits of his legs. His heart was racing on his chest just like that day on Coney Island. He had to be quick. He didn’t have a plan but all he knew was that he had to be there as soon as possible. 

When he finally got to the Harbour, he felt the typical metallic taste in his mouth after pushing his body to run for so long. He took barely some seconds to catch his breath and then look around, trying to find anything out of place. The place was a huge open space, surrounded by huge steel shipping containers. In the back, there was a room which used to serve as a control tower but was currently being renovated. Eiji quickly found the old rusty cars from the gang parked a few meters away from him, but there was nobody inside. He sneaked in close to the building, pressing his back against the green metal containers. He could spot some light coming from within, but since there were no windows on the first level, he climbed over some boxes to peek through some small openings in the old wall. 

_“Where’s Cain?”_ he heard Bones ask. 

_“He said to meet up at 9. We arrived a bit early so we can wait some minutes”_ an unmistakable voice he knew too well answered. 

_“Maaaan I’m hungry!!”_ the pink-haired man replied. 

Ash still didn’t know it was an ambush. As Eiji peeked through another hole in the wall, he saw several men hidden behind construction materials and furniture. They were armored with special suits and guns. It was a matter of seconds before they opened fire. 

Eiji tried to think quickly, looking around. _What would Ash do, what would Ash do?_ And then he saw it. The wire supplying electricity inside the container. If they cannot see, they cannot shoot, and Ash would know something’s wrong. He grabbed the cable and started twisting and bending it with all his strength, hoping to cut it fast. As it was not working, he searched inside his pocket for something sharp, and he found his set of keys. He almost laughed at the irony of the little knife-keychain Ash had given him after a trip. Eiji had complained telling him it was dangerous to carry it around in the airport, but Ash had told him he never knew when it could come in handy. 

Now it was the time. He cut the cable in no time, and a man shouted at him just as everything went pitch-black inside the room. He jumped off the boxes and heard gunshots very near him, probably from the man who had shouted at him. He heard hell break loose inside as Ash ordered everybody to get outside and the men came out of their hiding place, shooting at the guys who were running away. 

Eiji crawled his way to the main entrance, hoping to see Ash nearby. To his relief, they had taken cover behind the cars and were shooting back at the men in the suits. His heart clenched in fear, however, when he spotted Jeff lying on the ground with a wounded shoulder. Ash was in front of him, his Smith and Wesson in his hand, trying to cover him. 

“Just get the Lynx!” he heard one of the guys inside the room as he took cover.

The bullets were coming from both directions and there was no way he could let Ash know he was the target without being discovered. He quickly went behind the room and climbed one of the green containers. He had seen some heavy-looking metal boxes earlier, and he thought he could push and drag them on top of a group of enemies heavily shooting towards Ash and Jeff. 

He pushed the boxes using all his body weight since they were at least a meter high, and he was partially thankful for the loud noise of bullets being shot. None of them saw or heard the heavy box slide against the surface, and they were forced to stop the fire when paint, brushes, nails and hammers fell on top of them. Eiji was sure he got at least three or four of them. Just then, he turned around to see Ash, who was completely terrified looking at him on top of the container. The police sirens at the distance made him snap out of his trance and he carried the wounded boy to one of the cars. When he looked back, he saw a man point a gun at Eiji, and his fingers reacted quicker than ever to shoot his revolver. The man fell on the floor, but the rest of the others were already back on their feet ready to shoot. 

Why was Eiji in the middle of this? How could he be so reckless?

Ash’s mind worked at the speed of light, but he didn’t understand any of it. 

“The cops! The cops are coming!” he heard a shout. 

The fire stopped and everybody tried to run away as soon as possible. Eiji took advantage of the confusion and jumped off the container. 

“Get the Lynx!” he heard just before a police car screeched its wheels on the pavement. 

“ASH! RUN!” Eiji screamed at the top of his voice. 

For a brief second their eyes met and it was a Deja Vu all over again. So close, yet so far from each other. Eiji’s eyes filled with tears and he watched Ash disappear in the darkness, running away once again. 

“Freeze!” he heard Charlie shout. “You’re under arrest!” 

Several other police cars arrived and they surrounded the area. They started handcuffing everybody involved, and Eiji just stood there in the middle of the harbour, watching the scene as an outsider. He saw several police officers arrest Bones, Kong and even Alex. Suddenly, a pair of hands grabbed his wrists together behind him and guided him away from the group. 

“Eiji, you okay?” Charlie asked in a whisper. 

Tears kept streaming down his face, but he nodded in response. 

“How did you know about this?”

“I was in the right place at the right time” he simply said, still looking where Ash had disappeared. “Please, don’t go after Ash, Charlie. Someone set up this trap for him”

“I’m not going after him” Charlie promised “I’m not arresting you either” he said as he freed his wrists. Eiji turned around to see him surprised. “We’ve got a lot to investigate here, but it seems to me you have something more urgent to do right now. Go.” 

“Charlie…”

“Go, Eiji…” 

And Eiji left the scene. He ran in the same direction he had seen Ash disappear, but of course, he wasn’t there anymore. He tried to think of the places he could be, but nothing came to his mind. He pulled at his hair and shut his eyes closed to visualize this area again. Where could Ash be? 

Bingo. 

He remembered the place where they had once rested after jumping into the river with Shorter, Ibe and Max, many years ago. Eiji started running. Ash had to be there, it was the only place connecting them together. Eiji stopped his tracks, slowly. That’s the only place Ash could be, if he chose a place connecting them together. He could be absolutely anywhere else if he didn’t want to be found. He shook his head. He would need to go and check for himself. 

After ten minutes of running and trying to catch his breath, he finally saw it. The huge green containers that once served as a shelter for them. He walked around, slowly, inspecting the area and trying to find any clues of Ash, but he didn’t see any. His heart clenched inside as he realized what this meant. 

Just as he was turning to leave, a familiar hand covered his mouth and a firm arm encircled his waist. He was yanked inside a narrow space between two containers by no other than Ash. The blond’s chin was resting on his shoulder, his breathing almost inaudible. 

_“There are two guys looking for me out there”_ he whispered against his ear _“you were lucky they didn’t see you”_

Eiji nodded and tried to even his breathing out as he suppressed the shiver running through his spine. 

_“I’m gonna release you now, but you cannot make a single noise”_ Ash explained. 

Eiji nodded again, and he was slowly set free. They both waited attentively for any sign of life, but minutes passed and they could only hear the sound of the waves gently going up and down against the concrete. Just before they decided to go out, Eiji sniffed the same tobacco scent he had smelled in the bathroom some hours before. He stood completely still and grabbed Ash’s hand by impulse, preventing him to move.He felt Ash stiffen behind him, but he ignored the pain in his chest. 

Two fat men in suits came right in front of their line of vision as they smoked calmly. 

“I cannot believe that troop of monkeys got away… how did the police know about this anyways?” 

“I don’t know. We might have a traitor between us…” he said as he slowly exhaled a puff of smoke “I just sent my men to search the Lynx’s frequent places and bars. He must be far by now...this is the last place we had to search that’s nearby” 

“We can continue the search tomorrow. I’m tired after such a big meal” the other laughed “We’ll get him sooner or later”

Ash and Eiji waited another full minute after the guys left before they came out. Eiji felt his muscles relax a bit after running and pushing his body like in the old days. He noticed Ash’s eyes on him and he finally met his gaze. 

“What?” Eiji asked. 

“What?” Ash crossed his arms “That’s what _I_ am asking you… What the hell?!” 

“I guess… there are some things to clarify, but I’m not sure this is the best place to talk” he said as he looked around, still afraid of someone looking at them. 

“Thank’s what I’m trying to think about… The fat guy said they would be searching in my frequent places” he muttered “I could ask Max… but Michael… I don’t want to put them in danger” 

Eiji watched him knit his brows together as Ash was deep in thought, and for a fraction of second it was like time had not passed between them. Suddenly, it was just like the old days and they were a pair of teenagers running away from danger. Adrenaline was like air for them, but they had each other. 

Only now… they didn’t. 

However, that fraction of second was all it took for Eiji to blurt out a brilliant idea.

“My apartment” he said. 

“What?” Ash turned around to see him, his face incredulous. 

_Fuck._

“Uh, they would never look there right?” he forced his next words to come out as believable and objective as possible “There’s no connection between us, so it’s safe” 

The way Ash’s expression flinched at the choice of words did not go unnoticed by Eiji. 

“Right” he agreed “You’re right… unless my presence makes you feel uncomfortable or something…” he added in a lower voice. 

“No, it’s okay. It’s better if we clear this out don’t you think?” he said turning his back to Ash and starting to walk.

 _“Feel something, feel uncomfortable… please!”_ Ash’s mind begged and screamed, but he tried to smother that selfish voice on their way to Eiji’s apartment. 

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on Twitter as @Kamikama__


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